Getting There
by AuthorMer
Summary: After Teddy's birth, Christian must learn to deal with his new role as a father, and fight to get his and Ana's relationship back to where it was before, while dealing with the burdens of his past. (No cheating!)
1. Within and Without

Getting There

Rating: M

After Teddy's birth, Christian must learn to deal with his new role as a father, and work to get his and Ana's relationship back to where it was before.

I own nothing. This is just for fun Please review. Don't send hate. If you don't like it, move along. Thanks guys.

Chapter 1

Christian's POV

_And now it's clear as this promise_

_That we're making two reflections into one_

_'Cause it's like you're my mirror_

_My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me – Mirror _

Hands in my pockets, I stand on the outside of the nursery. I'm paused in the doorway, watching. I feel that I understand the emotion Fitzgerald was going for in The Great Gatsby at times, when Nick Carraway felt both "within and without."

That's where I am now. I'm within and without. But this is my own doing. And I'm fully aware of it.

It's less then a step to cross through the doorway into the nursery. It's a harmless place, perfectly safe, plush, warm, soaked with pale blue and a boarder of sailboats. It's awash with love, with the purest most natural love that comes unconditionally, without reservation. And that makes it one of the most frightening places I can imagine. It's a small step to cross the threshold and not just witness but experience. Well, I can't experience this right now, I never could, even if I wasn't a fucked up excuse of a person. No, this is only something she can experience, a special bond between a mother and child. A smile is triggered by the thought; I can feel the small smirk forming on my mouth as I watch Ana feeding Teddy.

She glances up, smiling. No it's not just a smile, she's glowing. I thought it was a cliché, till I saw the truth of that word on her face the day she gave birth to him. Even all those painful hours of labor, the exhaustion and then finally the C-section, and she still managed to glow. That hasn't faded in the three weeks that had passed since he had been born.

"What are you thinking about? I can feel you thinking." She giggles softly, invitingly. I step through the doorway, step into the nursery. I sit across from her, on the small couch opposite the crib and the rocking chair she was currently sitting in.

"You can feel me thinking? That's an unusual superpower, Mrs. Grey." She laughs again softly. God, I adore that laugh. That laugh helped save me. She helped save me.

"You get such an intense look in your eyes, you almost scowl. It's like there's a storm brewing up there." Ana shakes her head softly and goes back to looking down at Teddy. We're both still in awe of him, this little person we both made, were blessed with. I don't know, I will never know what I did to be worthy of him.

I will never be worthy of him.

Ana glances up, her smile fading to a more concerned look, the silent question, asking if I'm all right. I nod; she doesn't even have to speak. To say that this hasn't been an easy transition for me would be an understatement. She smiles tenderly, with love and faith I don't deserve and sits back, her focus once again on our son.

I love him so much. It's frightening to me how much I love him. Before Ana, I'd never felt love that strong, and unconditional. Well, except for my parents, but that's a different sort of feeling. I'd die for Ana. I'd die for Teddy. And I'm terrified every day that he won't love me, that he'll hate me. Ana thinks I'm being foolish. But she always sees the best in me, even when it's far from deserved. Dr. Flynn says it's more of my childhood trauma. My childhood trauma, coming back to rear it's ugly head and continuing to fuck up my life. I don't want my past to touch my son. And the idea that my past could touch him, hurt him, affect him in any way is just…it's too much to handle, too much to deal with. But here I am, stressing over if I'm worthy of my son's love. So I guess I'm messing up already.

Ana is a natural, of course. I never doubted it for a second. She's perfect with him, in knowing what he wants, what he needs, in ways I can't understand and wish I did. Did my birth mom ever hold me like that, look at me like that, the way Ana's looking at Teddy? I highly doubt it. I run a hand though my hair to clear away the dark path my mind has chosen to wonder.

So instead of thinking about that, I make matters worse for myself, and turn back to my wife. In the privacy of our home, she wasn't covered up as she fed him. I hated it when she fed him out in public, and tried to convince her to go someplace where no one else could see her, or tried to get her to return to Escala. I wasn't even content with the small towel she would drape around herself. It was still too much, too obvious, too many people staring at her, and at Teddy; staring at what was mine. Of course she hated it when I made her return to the car, behind the tinted windows where no one else who witness the intimate moment. She threw a fit, and then I did as well, going full fifty, as she would say. I don't want people staring at her while she feeds our son. I don't want anyone else to see that.

This is just for my eyes. Everything about her is only for my eyes.

I take in the sight of her feeding him, the swell of her breasts that had filled out, as she'd gotten further along in her pregnancy. Part of me is still in awe of her, in awe of her body and what it is capable of. Teddy was quietly finishing up his meal and pulled away from her and she lifted him up to burp him, leaving her more exposed for my gaze.

I just stared at her breast, painfully and obviously, just staring at her, taking a perfectly innocent moment and feeling my own need arise, threatening to shatter everything. We haven't touched the way we used to, I've barely seen her, the only time I do is moments like these. We haven't showered together, haven't done…anything. For me that's a living nightmare. She can't yet, it's too soon after the baby, but I'm a selfish man. Jesus, sometimes I really hate myself. I'd never want to hurt her. I've hurt her with my needs before, and I'd be damned if I did it again. I could never risk her health after what she's been though.

But the only way I know how to cope, how we know how to cope, is through sex. And it's been more than a few weeks. It's been since the later part of her pregnancy.

Fuck, I miss her.

I need her.

I can't look at her anymore.

Blood's pumping through me; I can hear the ringing in my ears, the heat rising to my face, my heart rate's increased. All from watching her innocently feed my son. I'm pathetic.

I stand quickly, and with my hands clenched in fists, I hurry out of the nursery. "Christian!" she calls out behind me but I just keep walking to my office. There's a sound, emotion in her voice, asking me to stay by her side, but I can't. She wants me beside her wants me next to her while she feeds Teddy, wants me to have some part of the experience. But she doesn't know what it does to me. Paper work can clear my head, emails, phone calls. It's done the job so far, but how long will it keep me occupied?

Eventually I'll need release. It's just the way I am. It's the way I function. Its way I always had a submissive, why I've always been so needy with Ana.

And I'm terrified of what I'll do to her when that need becomes too much for me to handle.

No, I'd never hurt her! I'd never force her into anything…but I suppose I have before, haven't I? My hand slams down on the desk. No, I'll never do anything to hurt her. to think otherwise is unforgivable. It's just a simple matter of self-control. That's something I don't like needing to have. I don't want to have to practice self-control.

I miss what we had. No. I NEED what we had.

It was constant. Every day, almost every day. It was perfect, she was perfect. She still is perfect. And if I wasn't totally fucked up, everything would still be perfect. But instead I just have this driving pulsing urge to be with my wife. You hear that after marriage the need lessons. That was the farthest thing from true for us. We are just a couple that needs each other. You hear after a baby it stops completely. I'm still scared that will happen. Maybe with Teddy she doesn't need me. She has a baby in her life. Those other urges, those other needs I'd taught her so much about, perhaps they didn't matter anymore. If that's true at all, I…honestly I don't know what I'll do.

There are too many thoughts going on in my head. Too many things I know are stupid, but I can't shake it right now. I feel like a stupid teenager with a hard on. My wife, the woman I love, who I need like oxygen, is in the other room, I shouldn't feel like this.

But I can't have her. Not yet. She'll tell me when she's ready. Only she knows when her body will feel up to it. Only she can say when she's ready to resume our intimate relationship. She'll tell me when she wants me. Won't she? She'll make it known. She has to. She enjoyed it as much as me. I remember her sighs, her gasps, the way she'd scream my name. Just remembering the way she'd cry out get my body revved up again.

But what if something's happened to us, and she doesn't come to me, telling me she's ready? What if that part of our love, our life, is done with before it's barely begun? How would I deal with that? Am I capable of dealing with that?

Is there a place for me now that she…we…have a son? Does it make me a bad father that sometimes I have to remind myself that he's mine as well? I never thought I'd be a good father…too many thoughts. Too many negative thoughts. Thoughts I shouldn't be having. Thoughts I had no reason to have because I know the facts;

I have a wife I don't deserve, who loves me unconditionally, for some reason. She accepts everything, the good and the bad about me, and she gives me everything I could ever want and need. I just hope she comes back to me soon.

I call Flynn to make an emergency appointment for tomorrow. I have to talk this out some more.

Fuck.


	2. All Clear

Getting There

Chapter 2

I own nothing. Please continue to review! Thanks everyone! Just so everyone knows, no, this is not a cheating fic. I'm keeping Mr. Grey very very loyal. ;)

Also, Christian takes a big step in this chapter, well, it's a big step for him, hope you enjoy!

Ana's POV

"Well, Mrs. Grey, you're all clear." My head snaps up from the examination room bed. I stare at Dr. Greene.

"Are you sure?" She smiles, nods to me and I sit up and put myself back together. This is my last appointment I suppose, post Blip.

"You're doing great Ana. Everything looks great, and you're healthy. Basically, you're doing everything right." I try not to roll my eyes. Some people get pretty ticked off by it. I feel like there is very little I am doing right. I lift up the handle on the carrier that Teddy is sleeping perfectly and peacefully in and head out to sign and finish off the rest of the paper work.

I'm in the clear. For everything. All physically activity. I blanche a little as I pause and then sign the final piece of paper. Dr. Greene keeps her questioning gaze fixed on me.

"Ana, just because you're cleared for all physical activity doesn't mean you actually have to…partake in anything." I feel the blush crash onto my face. This is too personal to be talking about, even with my GYN. I thank her, and head out to meet Taylor.

I won't be going back to work for a while, so I have more free time than I know what to do with. For now I'm not complaining. I'm only three weeks in to parenthood. It's new, terrifying, and more exhausting than any movie, book, friend or family member can describe or prepare you for. All the parenting books discuss trying to get your baby on a set schedule. Mine is hell bent on doing things his own way. Ha! I wonder which side of the gene pool THAT came from. In the back of the car, I indulge myself and I roll my eyes.

I reach out and touch Teddy's tiny little balled fist. His retractable carrier has been reattached safely beside me, and is the best money can buy. Christian goes into full-blown fifty mode over Teddy and his safety. It's actually rather adorable. He shows how much he cares sometimes by wanting to keep them safe. And Teddy's safety is his number one priority, besides me. I'm kind of surprised I was even able to bring him with me to the doctors.

You idiot, I think, you never asked Christian if you could take Teddy out of Escala. What else was I supposed to do? There wasn't exactly a babysitter, or a nanny who could have watched him, not that Christian would let anyone else near Teddy.

I'll deal with that tantrum from him if and when it comes up.

My phone buzzes and it's a message from Kate. I respond quickly. I've been sending her tons of pictures of my baby boy, and she goes totally nuts over them. She's free for lunch, and wants to know if I can join her in town. I ask Taylor to drive back to the city so I can meet Kate. I haven't exactly been out of the house much.

So it'll be a double offence instead of just one with Mr. Grey. Again, I'll deal with that later. For now I just want to be out of the house, and have some time with my best friend.

After a long, excitable hug, Kate is all over Teddy. He's lifted out of his carrier and while slightly cranky from being woken, he settles down. Taylor parks the car near by and waits with his ever-watchful eye as we grab lunch.

"So is parenthood all magical and fluff?"

"Not as much as you think…"

"Oh come on, you're still glowing." I can't help but blush and smile and gaze down to my little one. He's so small and perfect. Yes, I suppose I am still glowing. "You're telling me Christian isn't all over this little bundle of precious?" She asks with a raised eyebrow.

"He is! He loves him so much. But, just, in his own Christian way…" My words turn to more of a mumble as I pick at my salad. Kate just stares. I was so not ok with the idea of a famous Kate inquisition so I just might as well talk; give her the few details I feel comfortable with. "You know he had a rough start to life. It's left a bit of a chip on his shoulder and it's just taking him time to adjust to daddy-hood, that's all. He doesn't think he's going to be a good dad."

"Why on earth would he think that? Christian loves you, and I saw him after he was born, the man was practically glowing too."

"Oh I know! We're happy, thrilled, it's just…complicated." It just is with my Fifty. "Look, I don't know Kate. I just know it's complicated for him, and he's trying, he's trying so hard, it's just…it's more of a scary thing for him. That's all." The truth is, I know he's terrified. He's trying, that's also the honest truth. I know he loves Teddy so much, I can see it in his eyes, it's so obvious, and I think that love scares him too. His past is so dark, and it's no wonder he's a little freaked. He's scared that Teddy won't love him, and that has to be because he wasn't loved as a child. Maybe it's time I talk to Flynn again, try to dig up some dirt.

Like everything else had been so far in Christian's and my journey, it would just take patience and time.

But there was another issue now on the table. I was cleared for all physical activity. But, I don't feel ready, or like I should be. I have no one else that I can talk to about this, so quietly, I tell Kate as delicately as I can.

"If you're not ready to hop back in the sack then don't!" Well, I tried to be delicate, she sure as hell didn't.

"Look, just don't talk to Elliot about this, just keep it to yourself. This is Christian's and my business…"

"Fine, fine, I won't say a word. But if it's your business you shouldn't have said anything." Ok, maybe she's right. But I feel like a bad wife for not feeling ready to be intimate with Christian again. I feel like I need to be reassured that yes; it's ok to wait a bit longer till I feel one hundred percent ready. I thought I was going to feel so ready, so anxious and needy when I was finally given this news that I'd be ready going mad and want to claw his clothes off and jump into our bed with him. But I'm almost frightened. I don't know why. I don't like feeling this way! I love Christian more than I can even say, and to not feel ready is killing me inside.

Can I really keep this from Christian? I want to feel ready! Because I do miss him, and I know he misses me in…that way. But I just don't feel ready. My focus is completely on little Teddy right now, as it should be. I just don't feel confident enough yet. I don't have much energy. I've barely been out of Escala for three hours and I'm drained and all I've done is been examined and eaten lunch! My sex drive just hasn't come back to life yet. And I don't want to force it.

And that's probably the worst thing I could ever say to my husband, to my Fifty. I know he has needs, hell; I almost ended our relationship when I felt I couldn't satisfy those needs! And now to be told I can continue with that part of our life and to not feel ready? That was a burden I hadn't thought I would ever carry. I never thought I'd ever feel not ready to have sex with Christian. A heavy feeling settles in my chest that slightly resembles inadequacy and makes me feel bad. Once again I feel like I'm not what he needs. I know he loves Teddy so very much, but the fact is that a child in the mix makes things more complicated. We'd been confident while I'd been pregnant, but it feels a little bit different now. I know I've left him to his own devices, but we have a new born! What else am I supposed to do? Does he expect me to be doing anything different? If Christian wants something, he's the type of man to say it, and well…he hasn't said anything. And that's scary. It means something's off. He needs my time and my attention as much as Teddy does. I haven't been giving him the attention he needs. I promise myself to change that.

We finish lunch and I walk back out with Teddy to the car and Taylor drives us home in silence. After we get back to Escala, I feed Teddy and get him down for his nap. With more guilty pleasure than was normal, I placed myself on the couch in the nursery and pulled one of the large soft blankets up over me. I have a lot on my mind, more than I expected from today, and it's making me just want to close my eyes for a while. I wasn't prepared to be as drained as I feel right now after a fairly easygoing day. But the fact is that, yes, I'm exhausted, so, with more guilt, and slightly more pleasure I lay back on the pillow and allow myself to fall asleep beside my baby boy's crib.

I miss Christian's text messages and his phone call as I sleep.

Christian's POV

I curse and hang up violently. I haven't heard from her all day! I pick up speed in my car. Taylor's been assigned to her and I'm driving myself. For being a stickler for safety, I know I ran a few red lights. But I haven't heard a word! From anyone! All day.

Teddy. I can't get the image of something bad happening to Teddy out of my head. I drive just a little fast till I'm parked in the garage in Escala. The elevator takes it's sweet time and I punch the button for the pent house.

I storm in, but not before I have Taylor on the phone asking where the hell everyone's been all day. I had felt better after talking with Flynn over the last couple days, but that's rather long gone now since I've had no contact with Ana all day, have no idea where she's been, where Teddy's been. Anxiety, anger stricken me deep in my core and I storm first to our bedroom, nothing, then, of course, to the nursery. I'm prepared to read her another riot act, if she's here, if not, gods, then what?

But I stop. She's here. Teddy's here. They are both safe. And Ana is sound asleep, curled up on the couch in the nursery, a blanket over her, a gentle peaceful smile on her face. I let all the anger, tension, anxiety that's been pent up in by body out in a long slow breath out, a sigh of relief.

For once, I'm not going to scream at her, yell at her for being selfish, foolish for not telling me where she'd been. Even though she knows I need her to be in touch with me through the day, especially now with our little one. Still she didn't text, call, nothing. Any other time and this would have been completely unacceptable to me. Part of me is still annoyed. But damn it, she's exhausted. She's been working so hard with Teddy, all hours of the night, and she's done just so beautifully. I walk silently into the carpeted room and run my gaze over her. She looks so warm, content; happy. It would honestly be a crime to disturb her, to yell at her, a new young mother, in this state of peace. I take a step away from her, for the first time in my life being able to stifle my nature down, to hold in the illogical anger and the control freak. I'm able to do so because I know she truly needs me to. I can't help but smile.

I guess I am learning.

Letting her be, I step over to look down in the crib. Teddy's eye flick open as I walk over. He opens his mouth and I pick him up quickly and settle him in my arms before he can wail and wake Ana. For now he's content just being held and he lets out a little sigh, turned into my Armani suit, his little hands balled up into tiny perfect fists and he closes his eyes once more. I'm not sure how long the peace will last so I settle down in the rocking chair, where I can keep an eye on Ana as well.

I turn my eyes back to Teddy. I bend down, kiss his forehead, kiss his little balled fists. I pull him in even closer and he curls up to me. For someone like me, with the childhood I had this, the life I had been leading before…this is something I never imaged ever happening for me. I'm a dad. The title is still something I'm in awe of. Dad. Father. I softly rub Teddy's back to just keep him soothed and quiet. He's starting to squirm, a smirk forming on my mouth because I know the peace won't last much longer, but I'll take as much as I can. But I smile more because it mean I know my son. I know that when he starts to squirm like this he'll be crying for something soon. So no, the peaceful moment won't last much longer, it will be broken in a few moments and Ana will wake up from what appears to have been a wonderful, and much needed nap. But it will be all right.

I'll enjoy the moment, and memorize it, as much as I can.

The fact that I can sit back and enjoy this? Just sit here, content, holding my son?

Yes, I'm learning.


	3. Old habits

Getting There

Chapter 3

I own nothing. Please keep up the reviews!

As to the questions that they aren't on the house by the sound yet, I'm fairly certain they don't move out of Escala till Teddy is a few months old, as noted in the last night in Escala flashback. Now, I don't have my copies of the book here with me at college, so I could certainly be mistaken, but I was under the impression that was the general timeline. I apologize for any confusion and I was planning on having them going to look at the progress on the house in the next chapter Thanks guys!

Ana's POV

I barely open my eyes when I hear him storm into the nursery. I'm warm, hazy from a good dreamless nap. Everything feels good and fuzzy, the way it should when you wake up. I can smell his cologne, and can sense his agitation with me. The tension is rolling off his strong body in waves. Does he know that I took Teddy out? Lunch with Kate? I can't be certain. It's probably something else that I'm oblivious to that I've done wrong. I don't hear him move much. He shifts his weight and turns towards Teddy. This catches my attention.

He's not pissed at me? That's new. Instead of waking me, harassing me, he goes right to Teddy and gently picks him up and settles into the rocking chair. I lift my eye just a hair, having to watch them, my two men together.

It's a bit of a strange sight to take in. Here's Christian Grey, billionaire, in his perfectly tailored cut designer suit. His body is trimmed and lined perfectly with muscle. He's in the most amazing shape; even more so now since I haven't been able to have sex and the way he's been dealing with it has been through working out. So here is this man, this incredible sexy, strong, smart, rich dominate man, holding this precious tiny baby. Yes, it's a strange sight to see. Teddy and I don't care that he is a billionaire. Teddy doesn't know the value of anything but love. And Christian loves him. Teddy is giving Christian the unconditional love he never thought he could have; so innocently and instantly given. I know that frightens him, because he can't see why he deserves it.

I watch him kiss his sweet smelling little head, and kiss his tiny little hands. All ten fingers, all ten toes, perfect. I don't always get to see these moments. Not that he's not affectionate towards Teddy, I just think he's worried about looking vulnerable. Opening my eyes now, revealing that I was awake, it would ruin his moment with Teddy. So I just watch and try to memorize the image of my Fifty, in his powerfully cut suit, holding his baby in a little blue onesie. It's truly a sight to see.

In that moment I wished with all my might that I felt ready, ready to be intimate with him again, because this sight sent my emotions haywire. My hormones may still be raging, but that doesn't mean I feel ready for sex. But I want to, because this sight is just beautiful and I want to give him everything right now, everything he wants.

Why am I not ready? It's more than just being tired. I think, try to trace back my thought pattern over the last few weeks, figure out where my mind has been.

I've been in nothing but frumpy pjs the last few weeks. They're warm and comfy. And hey, after dealing with a difficult pregnancy and delivery, a girl has a right to be comfy! But, I know Christian likes me in silk, satin. I always preferred my sweats, but I'd gotten used to the pretty nightgowns. My hair is flat, and in desperate need for some highlights and a trim, but I just haven't had the time or the energy to go out. And like hell I'm going through another fiasco of letting Christian pick a hair stylist for me. My eyebrows are not plucked to perfection as they had been, I don't remember when I wore make up last. I don't remember the last time I shaved my legs. Again, too much time, too much energy, and I'm not sorry, it's just not been a priority with a newborn.

And I have a massive scar from the c-section.

The cut was clean and is healing very well, but the scar is still bright, relatively fresh and in my mind, very ugly. Christian had always loved my perfect flawless skin, and it's not perfect, or flawless anymore. I gained some weight during the pregnancy. The old designer clothes he'd bought for me will no longer fit.

I'm not the woman he's used to sleeping with anymore. My body is different. And because I've had a baby, I'm different.

And what if he doesn't want me?

All his submissives had been stunning, perfectly groomed, and I had been too even though I was never his sub. But I'm not anymore. And I've more weight on me, and a c-section scar to boot.

He's made no advances towards me.

And I know it's because he doesn't want me anymore.

I can't help it. I burst into tears.

Christian's POV

It's not Teddy that breaks the silence, but Ana. She's awake, sobbing on the couch. It startles Teddy who also bursts into tears.

Fuck.

I have a crying wife and a crying baby.

And I've not a clue what to do.

I get up and rush to her side, a crying Teddy in my arms as well.

"Ana, baby, what's wrong?" The stress is present in my voice, my concern. She was sound asleep! And now she's just sobbing. She sits up quickly and crushes me to her. It surprises Teddy, and he lets out a slightly louder cry, which made Ana cry all the more.

"Oh Teddy! I'm sorry little guy!" She cried and she took him from my arms to soothe him. It took a few minutes, so I helped move her shirt to the side at her request so she could feed him. Yes, that shut him up. Ana's lip was still moving in a silent whimper.

"Ana, what the hell was that? What's wrong?" I was used to the random tears when she'd been pregnant, but shouldn't she be past that? I'm also trying not to stare at her chest and it's a difficult battle even with her at her emotional state.

"Nothing Christian, it's just the hormones…" I glare. I know it's more than that. I'm not that clueless.

"Ana, tell me. Now."

"Christian please, it's honestly nothing." She lets out an exasperated sigh as she repositions Teddy and sets her shirt back in place. Why won't she talk to me? Her resolve is fading and so is my control over my need to know what the hell is going on.

"Damn it Ana, just tell me!"

"You don't want me anymore!" She sobs out, a little louder than she expected and she closes her mouth with this precious little sound that almost sounds like 'meep.' I feel my jaw just drop as soon as the words leave her mouth.

"Wait…what?" I'm completely baffled, confused. Where the hell did she get THAT idea? And how could she possibly think it! Even in her emotional moment, she tried to suppress a giggle at my completely confused expression. She's so vulnerable right now. The dark circles under her eyes just make me want to hold her, take care of her in every way possible. I let out a shuddered sigh. Her lip is quivering and I just want to assault her mouth. I hold back and instead kneel at her side by the couch.

"Ana, listen to me. That's the farthest thing from the truth. You honestly can't imagine what I've been going through! You have no idea how much I want you, what I want to do to you…" She somehow both blushes and pales at the same time, so I stop going down that road. I'm so flustered by her behavior. "Look, the point is that you couldn't be more wrong. I want you very very much…painfully so. Its been so hard for me, but I'll be damned if I hurt you again, especially after having a baby and until you're in the clear…"

"I am," She squeaks out. For the second time today I'm baffled. "I'm in the clear, I had my appointment with Dr. Greene today."

"Why the hell didn't you tell me!"

"It's my appointment, it's my business!"

"Your body is my business! Don't you dare roll your eyes at me! And what did you do with Teddy…Jesus, Ana! Did you take him with you?"

"What else was I supposed to do?" We were quietly hissing at each other. Quiet screaming fights just don't do it for me. I quickly lift Teddy out of her arms and place him softly back in his crib and grab her hand, yanking her off the couch to take her out of the nursery.

"You should have told me!"

"Yes, because I was so looking forward to this conversation with you. He's a healthy baby and he needs to get outside. And I wanted to take him." I run both my hands through my hair, letting out a sigh. "And for the record I went out to lunch with Kate, too."

"Are you trying to piss me off?" I cross my arms, take a long, slow deep breath. "You know what, fuck it. I honestly don't care right now. Dr. Greene said you're clear for all physical activity?" She just nods, and she's biting her lip. I almost jump her then and there, I'm already reaching out for her, to pull her body close, but she mumbles out,

"But I don't feel ready to have sex just yet."

My arms stop in midair and I lower them, slowly, the words sinking in. I expected anger, frustration, but all I feel instead is just more confusion. Under the surface are more questions, tension from going too long without being inside her. But the first words I speak are the honest truth of a confused husband.

"So…you are crying because you think for some insane reason that I don't want you anymore, yet you aren't ready to be intimate?" She stops, ponders, and then nods. I just stare at her. "You do understand how ridiculous that is right, Ana?" She glares at me with such intensity I actually take a half step back, but it's not until she's reached out and slapped me right across the face. I'm too shocked to stop her, to say anything. And then she's crying again, telling me not to call her ridiculous, that it's just how she feels, and she heads back to the nursery to be with Teddy.

I lift my hand to touch what I know would be a very red cheek. Damn, it's been awhile since I've been slapped like that. There were the old days with Elena… fuck, no, that's the last thing I should be thinking about! My depravity clearly knows no bounds. I force the memories from my mind, return to the messed up here and now.

What do I do? Do I follow her? Try to talk to her, comfort her? Do I let her go, let her just cry it out, whatever it is she's crying about? I close my eyes, once again take a deep breath, and choose to follow her back into the nursery. I once again sit near her side at the couch.

"Anastasia, talk to me. I just don't understand what's going on, help me understand…"

"I don't even understand Christian! I miss making love with you so much!"

"I feel the same way you have no idea –"

"Shush!" She says it with such force that I shut my mouth, and just let her speak. It's her turn to take a deep breath. "Look I know it's crazy! Because I thought, expected and wanted to be so crazy ready to be in the clear! I wanted to want to come home, rip your clothes off, do all kinds of generally unspeakable thing," That makes me smile, there's my girl. "But, I don't know! I don't feel completely like myself yet. I don't look the way I used to, I'm not…I'm not beautiful the way I used to be! No, don't interrupt! Let me finish. I've gained weight and the c-section scar. I'm not what you're used to, what you expect or want. I want to be back to the way I was, but I'm just not. I want to be ready but I'm not. So yes, at the same time I'm both sad because I want you to want me, but at the same time I'm just not ready for that yet because I don't feel like my old self…I feel like something's wrong."

I just take it all in, and it leaves my head buzzing. She had just spoken from the heart, and she deserves no less from me, so I just let go, and talk to my wife.

"Ana, I wish you could see through my eyes. None of that could be more wrong. You are my wife. I love you, so much. Your body is different, but it's different because you had my child. And frankly, to me, that's something I find incredibly appealing. Frankly, you needed to put on a few pounds. To be my sick bastard self, I enjoy what it's done for your breasts. You have more of a curve to your hips. It's incredibly sexy. I adore your body, and I'll never stop loving your body. and the scar? You have that because you gave life to my child."

To just emphasize my point, I just lift her shirt up enough, and tug at her pants enough so I can see the scar, run my fingers over the thin line. I lift my other hands to undo my shirt just until she can see the first of the small burn marks on my chest. "I suppose in a way we match now." I tell her, even though it's painful.

She beams, and I know I've said something right. And I meant every word of it. Our mouths crash together. Fuck, how could I have forgotten so quickly how delicious she tastes, how soft her lips are? My tongue doesn't ask but demands to enter mouth as I claim it again as mine. She bites at my lip, fighting back but it's a battle her sweet little mouth can't win and I overpower her. Somehow we remember there is a baby between us and we give each other enough space to ensure that Teddy remains blissfully unaffected by our moment of heated passion. She lets out the sweetest little whimper of pure desire into my mouth and it makes my erection even more painful in my pants. It's been too fucking long. Her hand now holding Teddy reaches out to touch my body. It happens so fast then…

Her hand reaches out through the open material of my shirt and she touches my chest and I freeze, and spring back, feeling like I've been burned all over again.

It was unconsciously done, but the terror had flooded me even faster than desire when her hand had touched the scar, when she'd touched me in my former hard limit zone. The pain is back. The terror is really, I feel it as my heart rate spikes to feeling like a panic attack. Images flash in bits and pieces in my head. It had felt like her hand was branding me, burning me, causing me immeasurable agony, and bringing up horrific memories that make me feel sick.

I haven't sprung away from her touch since before we were married.

I've hurt her. I see it in her eyes. I've backed away from her, my own nightmares haunting me in the waking hours, and hurting her. "Christian…" I run. I get up and run out of the nursery.

My past is hurting her again. And me. I'm still painfully hard in my pants, in desperate need for some kind of relief but I can't be touched any more. It's been too long since I've been touched, since Ana's touched me, that the old nightmares have crept back to infect me. I throw on work out clothes and hurry off to the home gym. I need to blow off all this steam that's inside me. Because if I can't have sex right now with my wife, and now that I can't be touched again, and I have this raging need pulsing in my system, I have to do something.

From the time I was fifteen, Elena trained me, brutally, how to push my body to its limit. So that's what I do. I stay in the gym all night and work my body till it feels like it's going to break, just to get the pent up energy and tension out, and I try to pretend I don't know that the progress I made has been shattered.

I try to forget that my past is still right there, and that it's still haunting me, still hurting me. And what's worse is that it's still hurting the woman I love.

But the difference is that now I know what can be. I know what can happen. I know what I'm capable of. I know things can get better, and there's hope where once there hadn't been. So I work my body into exhaustion to remind myself that I'll be damned if I give up, because now I have too much to lose, and so much to fight for.

It will take longer than expected, much longer than I want. But I can overcome this again. I can do it for her. We'll get there. We'll get back where we were.

We have to.


	4. Love's Labors

Getting There

Chapter 4

This chapter is a first step for them to be back to their intimate relationship. There is some smut below so please be warned.

Also, I really REALLY need you to review if you like this story. It's really important to me as an English major. Thanks, lovlies!

Ana's POV

What's happened to us? Could we have truly distanced ourselves so much? I was able to touch him like he'd never been hurt. Today he reacted the way he would have the day we'd met. Is this my fault? His fault? No! No, this could never be his fault. It's not his fault he'd been so horribly treated as a child! But this isn't my fault either. We had a baby! The focus has been on Teddy. And neither of us would say that our focus shouldn't have been on him. Both of us were and will always be in awe of him. I'd had a difficult delivery, I couldn't move those first few days. Once we got home it was just about us adjusting, and filling in on sleep whenever we could. But we aren't a normal couple. Going a few weeks without any intimacy between us has set us back, has set him back. I can't touch him again.

I remember marking his chest with my lipstick, marking off the hard limit zones. That day had been such an incredible step for him! As long as I stayed within the boundaries I could touch his bare skin. He had looked like he was in pain the entire time. The day he told me he asked me to marry him he let me touch him. He'd asked me to touch him, pulling my hand in to his trembling body to touch him where he'd never been touched before. The pain in his eyes had been excruciating. And I saw that pain again today. I recognized it as I would recognize my own agony.

I get a poorly timed call from Elliot. The house is done out on the sound! We'll have our house, a real home. We'll have the wonderful view, the water, and our meadow. The paint is settled, he says, and wants us to check it out this weekend so we can just give our final ok before we move. I make a memo in my phone to have Christian clear his schedule for Saturday so we can take a trip up and see the house. Tears come to my eyes but I keep the sound out of my voice and make the plans for us to go see the house. He tells me cheerfully "goodnight!" and we hang up. I'm sure he's done a wonderful job on the place. I know he's good at his job, and Christian wouldn't have trusted him with this work if he wasn't; Christian wants our home to be perfect. More tears fill my eyes and are about to spill over. We have a new start, a new home, but part of us is back at the start and it's heartbreaking. Our new beginning in our new home should be perfect, but he's still being plagued by old nightmares.

He'd built up a level of comfort for me because of our love. It had taken time, trust and just a level of tolerance. But it appears that level of trust and tolerance has been shattered because of our time apart, our lack of intimacy. Now I know I have to set up an appointment with Flynn and try to figure out what I should do. What can I do to help him?

I have to rebuild that trust.

My focus had been so completely on Teddy, that I'd completely forgotten my husband. He's a complicated man. I should have cuddled with him at night, held him, touched him. Just the simple things mattered and would have made a difference. But neither of us could have predicted this would have happened.

But it has.

So the only way of getting there, of getting back to normal is to just try.

But I'm still not completely ready. My body may be ready but it just doesn't feel ready! I have to trust my body. I learned that from Christian. He taught me so much about my body. I learned even more when I had carried his child inside me. I have to trust my body and my instincts.

But just because my body isn't ready, doesn't mean his isn't dying for release.

I can give him that release. I was always a natural, and Mr. Grey had trained me well.

God he's been working out for so long. He has to be exhausted. But then again, that's his plan when he works himself like this. He makes himself so exhausted he couldn't possibly feel anything, let alone get easily aroused. It helps him just come to bed and sleep. It helps release the tension that has been building up inside him because of the lack of sex.

When he finally comes to bed that night, it's after he's taken a shower after working out. It was late but I wanted to be up when he came to bed. I'm just reading casually, but then he just walks out from the shower, just not caring, and he's completely naked. He doesn't even look at me. I'm somewhat glad, because he'd see my mouth hanging open like an idiot as I mindlessly just stared at his body. He has the perfect V shape coming from his shoulders to his narrow hips, and everything is the perfect level of muscle, not too much, just perfect, and beautiful. His arms are strong and sculpted, so are his legs. I get a perfect view of his rear as he grabs his pjs. God, Christian has an amazing ass. Am I drooling? No, I can't be. He turns to the side to slide on his pants, and he does it so quickly I barely get to see his manhood, and I'm surprised how much I want to see it, how much I just want to take in the full naked sight of him. I haven't seen him like that in so long. I'm surprised that I wish he were aroused, so that I could see his perfectly erect penis, so I could move my hand and then my mouth over the velvet steel of it. I haven't had him in my mouth in ages, haven't pleasured him in so long.

During the later part of the pregnancy, my needs came first. No, not my sexual needs, just the pure basics. My comfort, happiness, my health and they baby's health came first. And it should have. Christian was selfless as every husband is expected to be, but he was more than that, he was so kind, caring, so over protective, where my comfort and happiness was his. He'd been…perfect. I keep my eyes on him; I shake my head to stop the heat from rising in my body, to ignore the warmth pooling between my legs and I re-focus.

He reaches into his top drawer then and pulls out one of his old white t-shirts and he puts it on slowly, and I see the painfully sad look in his eyes as he slides it on and then walks over to bed. Those shirts hadn't been touched in months, not since he became comfortable with me touching him. It was a miracle when he stopped wearing them to bed. But he was wearing them again. I instantly roll into his body, hugging him tightly. He tenses for a moment but I refuse to let go. Now that I can't touch him again, it's all I want to do. I want to kiss every inch of him, touch every perfect inch. I may still not be completely ready yet, and that's my burden to deal with, but it's not a burden he should bear. He's carried too many burdens in his life. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. I want him to feel.

I bypass his chest completely but still launch myself on top of him. His surprise is evident on his face, and so are his doubts. I kiss him deeply, trying to show him the depth of my love before I move down his front and pull his sweatpants down. He's not wearing underwear.

"Ana, what the…" Is he questioning me? He's actually questioning my actions. Oh Fifty, you still don't know when to just shut up. I take him in my mouth so suddenly that he shuts up completely. His moan is a glorious sound, and I get a thrill out of seeing his hips arch up off the bed. He closes his eyes, leans his head back, the full expression of a man experiencing pleasure.

With my mouth I lubricate his sensitive skin, swirl my tongue over the tip and replace my mouth with my hand, as he grows hard almost instantly at my ministration. I can't help but let the little seductive smile play at my mouth as I watch him react. For right now, I'm in control, it's something I'm not used to. He's lain out in front of me like a willing offering, and his sighs and gasps let me know he's certainly enjoying himself. I tighten my grasp just a little; increase the speed.

"Fuck, Ana, keep going baby, don't stop…" He breathes out, and he lifts his arms up to rest above his head on the pillow and he surrenders himself to the pleasure I'm happy to give. Strange, his arms are resting like he's been tied up, it's the position I know he's kept me in before, when he's tied my wrists. It seems odd that this came naturally him to, placing his arms like that. Is he imagining being tied up right now? Jesus, I hope not. I push that thought immediately from my mind, return to the task at hand. Literally.

He's rock solid in my hands now, and his chest rises and falls more rapidly as his breathing increases. His fists are clamped together tight above his head. I move my hand away and use my mouth again, this time moving in a torturously slow pace. I run my tongue over the back of his fully erect and straining penis, and once again swirl my tongue over the highly sensitive tip, licking the pre cum which had oozed from the top. I moan, and I taste him for the first time in several weeks. Yes, I even missed this. The sight and sound of my reaction causes him to suck in his breath and he watched me as I continue to lick and clean off the tip of him.

He continues to curse, arching up, begging softly for more. I finally give in to his pleas and take him all the way into my mouth and he lets out a loud groan, throwing his head back again, his body going completely tense. I suck him hard, and deep till he hits the back of my throat. I bob my head up and down as fast as I can over his length, my hands clutching his hips for added support. He would usually have his hands in my hair right now, forcing himself deeper into my mouth and throat, but he's just pulsing his hips up, and keeping his arms where they are, just feeling. I run my teeth softly over him and he lets out a long hiss, another curse. "Ana, fuck, yes baby, yes, let me come, I need to…" He looks glorious and the confidence and sense of power courses through me as I pleasure him. I sheath my teeth behind my lips and suck him down hard, deep, and pump him into my mouth, hard, fast, relentless. His muscles twitch, clench hard and he lets out a cry as his body lets go and he comes hard. His warm seed spills into my mouth, spurt after spurt as he experiences a long, intense orgasm and my mouth is filled with his cum. I sit up a little so he can watch me swallow every drop.

His mouth drops in awe at seeing me swallow his cum. He shoots up off the bed and pulls me in for a hungry and urgent kiss. I give it back to him in full. Right now, I don't feel that kind of need inside me, and just because my panties are damp, it doesn't mean I feel ready to have sex. I don't understand it, but I have to trust what feels right to me. I'm jut not there yet, but his happiness, his pleasure means the world to me. The kiss calms almost as quickly as it had started, his body relaxing after his intense orgasm. He used to just not stop, but it had been so long, the intensity of it all had just been so much, and it was just what his body needed and the affects of it, plus the intense work out were catching up to him. His eyes are heavy and dark, and there is less tension in his shoulders now.

"Thank you…" It's a sigh of relief. It's all he says, and it's all I need to her and he lays to rest his cheek against my breasts, so relaxed now, so different than how he looked and acted before. For now he can just rest. We'll go look at our house over the weekend and begin packing soon after, if the place is up to his expectations. Everything will be all right. I whisper this to him and he just cuddles closer to me. I hold him to me, running my fingers through his hair and he's asleep within minutes. Our breathing ends up in sync and I just watch him sleep.

In the safety of my arms, no nightmares come.


End file.
